Monday, August 11, 2014
quite surprised that I can still login this blog after 4.5 years. time flies... just wondering how many people still blog nowadays? its something like a thing of the past. my previous thinking is that its a hassle to login and register my thoughts and my feelings at the end of the day?
4.5 years had passed like a breeze. I had changed over the years. I started out like a gong kia with a nus degree. I knew next to nothing in my industry. one of the funniest crap that came out of my mouth is I ask an engineer what is that? and he replied me... zhenrui, that is a formwork. luckily, I had 2 very good mentors who groomed me over 3 years. yes. I did a lot of shit jobs for them and they even acknowledged they always give me the worst tasks or assignments that they got and had nobody to do? maybe is my willpower and determination that impressed them. well, its really a blessing in disguise cos I really learnt a lot from them. by having the knowledge they imparted to me, it really save me the trouble to learn things the hard way though it is the most effective way. the mos memorable day of my life is spending the night doing suntec tender during valentines day.
life goes on and I had changed to a new job in management. this is a long and lonely path I must say. 1st, you cant fool around and joke anymore. 2nd, whatever statement that came out of your mouth is binding and had an impact to my organization, project etc. the most drastic change is I had to be serious, stern and most importantly, ruthless. this is not my usual style that if most of u know. not that I have to put on a show or be lang jia bing, but I have to portray myself as a manager and steady the ship. I cant go back crying to my directors or call them all the time to seek their confirmation and comments right? decisions had to be made quick, fast and good. being a manager also had its disadvantage. I used to go out in big groups for lunch and being the apple of people's eyes. not becos of my looks but its becos of my influence and power though my position is jus a small fry in my ex-company. now, I am alone most of the time and I even had a WTF look when my subordinates sat down in the same table during lunch sometime back.
cant really slp tonight. can really felt my heart had sank. I remember the last time I had this feeling is 10 years ago. I hate such feeling and how my body is reacting to it. I can felt my body temperature had dropped and my hands and feet became very cold. even she can feel it. I cant describe the pain and disappointment I am going through.
we are in amid of preparing our wedding. our house in on the way. we just signed bridal package yesterday. I know she hate planning so I did all the research n planning. we are together for close to 7 years. I started out as an ignorant fool. her family is not as blissful as it seems and totally opposite to mine and I know her mom really fought a lot to keep the family floating. I am totally grateful for that but not that time when we first started out. I remember we were discussing some stuff and I joked on some issues that I had forgotten. but what she replied is still etched in my heart till now. her reply in the most innocent manner is that "I know. but I am also my mom's xiao gong zu ar" this really hurts me. I know she had difficulty with her family but I hope I can made it out to shower her with love. not tat I purposely or intentionally want to do it... but shes worth it. we are alike in a lot of ways, like to watch tv, like to eat, like to watch fireworks, like to slp and she is a good snorer. the only bad point is shes hot tempered and impatient. I still remember our hk trip which she is really blew up is going to the 1818 heritage. its a long walk and she keep insisting that I don't know the way. well... life is not perfect isn't it?
another time I really hurt her is when I told her sometimes I really felt that she is irritating cos she keep msging me when I was the busiest. she is always my priority and whenever she msg me, I would always reply to her at the first instance. think that time I was too busy and she spent the whole night crying.
but that doesn't mean I am a jerk right? I had my proudest moments too! she had a lot of accessories and once or twice, we went out and she wanted to purchase an acrylic accessory box but it is too expensive. it cost nearly $200! I knew that she want it and need it. hence, I made it for her. not the kind of acrylic but the wooden kind. the toughest part is I had to hand screw the slots one by one. the slots are not 10 or 20 or 30 but close to 100? it took me a couple of hours and trust me, my hands are swollen. but its worth it when I saw her eyes brighten up when she got the gift. but.... her filling the box to the brim is a separate issue.
I made her an album during the days I was transiting between my ex job and my current job. I dug out all the photos we took for the past few years and selected the best photos and made it into an album. I even had the thoughts that I can show these photos during the wedding banquet as well. I initially thought that the album I bought off the rack should be adequate but I was totally wrong. there are over 100 photos and I had to squeeze them all in! I even wrote the events that took place on the actual day. not that my memory is good... but I remember all the happy times I spent with you. even the blue ray promoter was impressed yesterday when I immediately gave her the ans when she asked when we go Taiwan? as I flipped through the album before I gave to you, I can really felt that we had really enjoyed ourselves in each other company.
sometimes, I treated you more than I loved myself. I always feed the best food for you even though I really loved to eat. I will felt pissed when u settled for the 2nd best. wat made me pissed with myself is that I did not activated my credit card for overseas spending when we are at korea. you bought a lot of skin care products for your mom and you stood there and hesitated when you are thinking should you purchase a set for yourself. I would bought it for you if I am able to use my card. but I was really helpless.
sometimes..... I really envy you.... cos you got such a good boyfriend.
but I know you did a lot for me too. I was down with serious food poisoning for 2 days at Phuket and I wasn't responding much or paid much attention to you cos I was really sick and uncomfortable. and you even have to make do with normal food especially you really love those street food. I know you yearned for a proper or a proposal which u can be proud of or unforgettable. had I knew there is a would you marry me teddy bear at the teddy bear museum, I would have brought the ring out. I may have disappoint you for the arrangement in korea not becos of I don't want to do it but I was really nervous, stiff and lost till I even forgot to kneel after I put the ring on for you. but I cant rewind right? I can only joked that I cant kneel becos of my medical condition. and when Adrian came to know of this, he asked me which doc I went to. nice one bro. :)
I told you just now that should I got to know wat you did before we paid the deposit for our house... I would have walked off. yes I would. I have to do that to protect myself... it is not a good feeling to have a sunken heavy heart with cold hands and feet. I felt dead. I just want to recover in the shortest possible time. but... am I able to recover to the position I was in previously? hao ren zhen de hen nan zuo. you said you would compensate the things I paid. I don't need the money not becos I had it nor I had the capability to earn it. but can you compensate the 7 years I had lost? I loved you with my life and I cant reclaim it back. if we are back together, can we live happily ever after? if we are not back together, can we get back to our life? whenever my frens are in rs problem, I would always gave them the most practical ans. seriously, if there is another me who said wat I said to my bros previously, I would knock you out. cold. I am scared. I am afraid. but I need to take a step. and this step is a big decision. a life decision. i really donno if i can forgive you. you always said i am really confident abt myself. i am not confident at all. i am just confident becos i had confidence in you. tats all.
OnCe UpOn A tImE, i BeLiEvE... 3:04 AM;
